1 00:00:35,076 --> 00:00:37,948 {pub}I am so sick of that stupid bitch. 2 00:00:37,949 --> 00:00:39,640 Blabbing, prissy little skank! 3 00:00:39,641 --> 00:00:41,291 Why do people talk on the phone like that? 4 00:00:41,292 --> 00:00:42,817 I can't even get a minute of peace 5 00:00:42,818 --> 00:00:45,306 before that bitch walks in holding the cell phone out like this 6 00:00:45,307 --> 00:00:46,721 and talking on speakerphone. 7 00:00:46,722 --> 00:00:49,669 Nobody wants to hear your goddamn conversations you little bitch, 8 00:00:49,670 --> 00:00:50,889 you're not that important! 9 00:00:50,890 --> 00:00:51,637 Yeah, no dude, 10 00:00:51,638 --> 00:00:53,922 I'm telling you it was the worst pain in my entire life. 11 00:00:53,923 --> 00:00:55,455 How many hours were you guys playing? 12 00:00:55,456 --> 00:00:56,832 Like six hours dude. 13 00:00:56,833 --> 00:00:57,953 And my friends were all like 'dude 14 00:00:57,954 --> 00:00:59,526 Cartman we need you to keep playing defense.' 15 00:00:59,527 --> 00:01:00,559 urhggh! 16 00:01:00,824 --> 00:01:01,851 You were playing football? 17 00:01:01,852 --> 00:01:03,143 Yeah but I was like, 'I can't you guys, 18 00:01:03,144 --> 00:01:04,414 I twisted my ankle'. 19 00:01:04,484 --> 00:01:05,782 In the end though they really needed me to play 20 00:01:05,783 --> 00:01:06,546 so I played through the pain. 21 00:01:06,547 --> 00:01:07,411 Know what I'm saying? 22 00:01:07,412 --> 00:01:08,298 That is not what happened 23 00:01:08,299 --> 00:01:10,510 you totally started crying and quit the game! 24 00:01:11,011 --> 00:01:12,778 Kyle, this is a private conversation! 25 00:01:12,779 --> 00:01:14,625 Then take that shit off speakerphone! 26 00:01:14,626 --> 00:01:15,728 Is that that same kid? 27 00:01:15,729 --> 00:01:17,063 Yeah it's that kid Kyle again. 28 00:01:17,064 --> 00:01:18,009 He's a total boner. 29 00:01:18,010 --> 00:01:19,425 Always listening in on my phone calls. 30 00:01:19,426 --> 00:01:20,644 How do we have a choice? 31 00:01:20,645 --> 00:01:22,729 Stop listening to my conversation Kyle! 32 00:01:22,730 --> 00:01:23,939 What are you, the NSA? 33 00:01:24,282 --> 00:01:25,087 Lawrence, remember I was telling 34 00:01:25,088 --> 00:01:25,898 how the government listens to 35 00:01:25,899 --> 00:01:27,631 everyone's phone calls and reads all our emails? 36 00:01:27,632 --> 00:01:28,781 Yeah, yeah you said that. 37 00:01:28,782 --> 00:01:31,269 My dad said the government keeps a data base on everyone. 38 00:01:31,270 --> 00:01:33,055 - Who is that? Is that Toby? - Yeah. 39 00:01:33,056 --> 00:01:34,511 Dude, Toby are you over at Lawrence's? 40 00:01:34,512 --> 00:01:35,807 Yeah we're ditching school. 41 00:01:35,808 --> 00:01:36,914 You're what? What'd you say? 42 00:01:36,915 --> 00:01:38,576 Me and Toby are ditching school. 43 00:01:41,345 --> 00:01:42,132 I'm telling you guys 44 00:01:42,133 --> 00:01:43,705 the government thinks they can do whatever they want 45 00:01:43,706 --> 00:01:45,594 and we don't have any privacy anymore. 46 00:01:45,719 --> 00:01:46,599 Just between you and me, 47 00:01:46,600 --> 00:01:47,732 I think everyone is too stupid to see 48 00:01:47,733 --> 00:01:48,758 what this is all leading to. 49 00:01:48,759 --> 00:01:50,330 Did you guys read 1984? 50 00:01:50,331 --> 00:01:51,425 I don't think so. 51 00:01:51,426 --> 00:01:52,251 Yeah, I didn't read either 52 00:01:52,252 --> 00:01:54,138 but I saw the puppet show version at Casa Bonita. 53 00:01:54,139 --> 00:01:55,456 We have to do something about this. 54 00:01:55,457 --> 00:01:56,912 We need to organize a rally. 55 00:01:56,913 --> 00:01:57,777 That'd be cool. 56 00:01:57,778 --> 00:01:58,602 That'd be what? 57 00:01:58,603 --> 00:01:59,469 It'd be cool. 58 00:01:59,470 --> 00:02:01,278 I know right, a big rally to tell the government 59 00:02:01,279 --> 00:02:02,893 to stay out of our private lives! 60 00:02:02,894 --> 00:02:05,379 I'm gonna email everybody and put it up on my blog pages. 61 00:02:07,267 --> 00:02:09,506 I seriously feel like I'm being spied on right now. 62 00:02:09,507 --> 00:02:11,340 I'm sure the government has a file on me a mile long 63 00:02:11,341 --> 00:02:12,883 that's why this is so important, you know? 64 00:02:12,884 --> 00:02:14,042 Hang on I'm gonna make a video blog 65 00:02:14,043 --> 00:02:15,785 for my 'Stop Listening To Me' website. 66 00:02:15,844 --> 00:02:18,081 Wassup everybody it's me again just kickin' it at my school. 67 00:02:18,082 --> 00:02:18,931 There's gonna be a big rally 68 00:02:18,932 --> 00:02:21,251 to tell the government to stop gathering information on us. 69 00:02:21,252 --> 00:02:22,473 Gonna tweet you all the details 70 00:02:22,474 --> 00:02:24,291 but keep it quiet cuz it's top secret. 71 00:02:24,399 --> 00:02:26,105 You guys gonna update your blogs too? 72 00:02:26,271 --> 00:02:27,492 Dude I can't really hear you Lawrence 73 00:02:27,493 --> 00:02:28,672 are you outside or something? 74 00:02:28,673 --> 00:02:30,481 I said I got your tweet of the address. 75 00:02:30,482 --> 00:02:31,990 Okay. Well, put Toby back on the phone you gotta start 76 00:02:31,991 --> 00:02:34,074 googling everyone the directions to the rally site. 77 00:02:34,075 --> 00:02:35,096 Toby you there, bro? 78 00:02:35,097 --> 00:02:36,169 Yeah, I'm here bro. 79 00:02:36,170 --> 00:02:37,933 Bro you gotta, um, email Dex about the rally 80 00:02:37,934 --> 00:02:39,673 and see if he'll bring petition forms. 81 00:02:42,028 --> 00:02:45,929 Will you please take your rally conversation somewhere else? 82 00:02:45,997 --> 00:02:49,494 Oh hell no you did not just invade my privacy again. 83 00:02:49,495 --> 00:02:51,201 That is the last straw Kyle! 84 00:02:51,712 --> 00:02:52,556 Everybody! 85 00:02:52,557 --> 00:02:53,550 Everybody, hey! 86 00:02:53,934 --> 00:02:54,921 Just so you know 87 00:02:54,922 --> 00:02:57,469 we might have an NSA agent right here at our school. 88 00:02:57,907 --> 00:02:59,990 What's the NSA? 89 00:02:59,991 --> 00:03:01,282 Just so you know. 90 00:03:01,407 --> 00:03:03,775 The government is watching everything you do. 91 00:03:04,315 --> 00:03:05,502 Always watching. 92 00:03:05,503 --> 00:03:07,400 They say it's to keep us safe, 93 00:03:07,740 --> 00:03:09,637 but what price is safety, Kyle? 94 00:03:13,344 --> 00:03:15,476 The government watches everything we do? 95 00:03:24,514 --> 00:03:25,352 Hello? 96 00:03:28,092 --> 00:03:29,203 Hey government. 97 00:03:30,371 --> 00:03:31,287 It's me. 98 00:03:31,709 --> 00:03:32,626 Butters. 99 00:03:33,731 --> 00:03:35,274 I just wanna say, wul, 100 00:03:35,606 --> 00:03:38,856 thanks for watchin' over me and doing everything you do. 101 00:03:40,261 --> 00:03:42,619 And please watch over Mommy and Daddy. 102 00:03:42,620 --> 00:03:44,792 And my friends Stan and Kyle, 103 00:03:44,821 --> 00:03:46,246 Craig and Token. 104 00:03:46,628 --> 00:03:48,233 And even ol' Eric Cartman. 105 00:03:48,234 --> 00:03:49,845 I know he can be a meany sometimes, 106 00:03:49,846 --> 00:03:51,594 but please watch over him too. 107 00:03:52,606 --> 00:03:53,796 G'night government. 108 00:03:58,537 --> 00:03:59,771 Oh yeah! 109 00:04:00,718 --> 00:04:02,478 And thank you President Obama 110 00:04:02,479 --> 00:04:04,848 for making me feel so safe and looked after. 111 00:04:04,924 --> 00:04:06,882 And if it wouldn't be too much trouble, 112 00:04:07,007 --> 00:04:09,454 I'd really like to get a puppy for Christmas this year. 113 00:04:09,682 --> 00:04:10,715 Night, government! 114 00:04:13,653 --> 00:04:15,547 Dude they have gone too far this time! 115 00:04:16,144 --> 00:04:18,148 There is no doubt the government is tracking me. 116 00:04:18,149 --> 00:04:19,412 We're gonna have to put off the rally. 117 00:04:19,413 --> 00:04:20,552 They're spying on you? 118 00:04:20,553 --> 00:04:21,467 Yeah it's right here. 119 00:04:21,468 --> 00:04:23,624 I went to Amazon to see if they had grand theft auto five 120 00:04:23,625 --> 00:04:24,382 and it says ' 121 00:04:24,383 --> 00:04:27,330 you might also be interested in the Blu-Ray for Star Trek.' 122 00:04:27,331 --> 00:04:29,258 I'm totally interested in the Blu-Bay for Star Trek. 123 00:04:29,259 --> 00:04:29,996 How did they know that unless 124 00:04:29,997 --> 00:04:31,619 the government is keeping tabs on me? 125 00:04:31,885 --> 00:04:32,868 This is war bro. 126 00:04:32,869 --> 00:04:33,694 Forget the rally. 127 00:04:33,695 --> 00:04:34,851 We have to go hardcore. 128 00:04:34,852 --> 00:04:35,420 Like what? 129 00:04:35,421 --> 00:04:36,257 Alright. Listen, 130 00:04:36,563 --> 00:04:37,842 I'm gonna get a job at the NSA 131 00:04:37,843 --> 00:04:39,932 and then I'm going to put all their secrets up on Twitter. 132 00:04:39,933 --> 00:04:41,110 Nah don't do that. 133 00:04:41,111 --> 00:04:41,780 No dude, 134 00:04:41,781 --> 00:04:44,004 I'm gonna sneak into their headquarters disguised as an employee 135 00:04:44,005 --> 00:04:46,257 and I'm gonna ... hang ... hang on a second, Lawrence. 136 00:04:50,016 --> 00:04:51,677 I think we have a nosey Nancy in the room. 137 00:04:52,576 --> 00:04:54,364 Dude, my Twitter account might already be compromised. 138 00:04:54,365 --> 00:04:55,584 If I'm going to infiltrate the NSA 139 00:04:55,585 --> 00:04:56,849 and get all their secrets out to the public 140 00:04:56,850 --> 00:04:58,344 then I'm gonna need something better than Twitter. 141 00:04:58,345 --> 00:05:00,276 You need that new thing where you don't need to type. 142 00:05:00,277 --> 00:05:01,897 What they already something better than Twitter? 143 00:05:01,898 --> 00:05:03,461 You haven't you seen the Alec Baldwin commercial? 144 00:05:03,462 --> 00:05:05,240 No. What Alec Baldwin commercial? 145 00:05:06,565 --> 00:05:08,340 Hello, I'm Alec Baldwin. 146 00:05:08,341 --> 00:05:10,121 And I love social media. 147 00:05:10,150 --> 00:05:14,395 But sometimes I accidentally tweet things that are homophobic. 148 00:05:14,396 --> 00:05:15,849 I don't think that way, 149 00:05:15,974 --> 00:05:17,439 I just type that way. 150 00:05:17,507 --> 00:05:18,884 That's when I realized, 151 00:05:18,885 --> 00:05:21,008 it wasn't me that was homophobic. 152 00:05:21,009 --> 00:05:22,501 It was my thumbs, 153 00:05:22,502 --> 00:05:24,325 and they needed to be gotten rid of. 154 00:05:24,609 --> 00:05:25,397 Dah! 155 00:05:26,121 --> 00:05:27,073 Dowwww! 156 00:05:27,074 --> 00:05:28,684 So then the problem was, 157 00:05:28,685 --> 00:05:29,903 I don't have thumbs, 158 00:05:29,904 --> 00:05:31,420 but I know that everyone in America 159 00:05:31,421 --> 00:05:34,146 still wants to hear everything I have to say. 160 00:05:34,574 --> 00:05:36,510 Well, that's okay 161 00:05:36,579 --> 00:05:38,002 because now there's a device 162 00:05:38,003 --> 00:05:40,675 that can actually take the thoughts in your head, 163 00:05:40,676 --> 00:05:43,202 and send them directly to the Internet. 164 00:05:43,467 --> 00:05:45,443 It's called Shitter. 165 00:05:46,307 --> 00:05:48,823 Wires are grafted harmlessly into your skull 166 00:05:48,824 --> 00:05:49,973 and any thought you have 167 00:05:49,974 --> 00:05:51,355 is uploaded to the Internet 168 00:05:51,356 --> 00:05:54,234 and on to all your Shitter followers. 169 00:05:54,483 --> 00:05:56,205 I'm at a Yankees game right now. 170 00:05:56,330 --> 00:05:57,795 God I love baseball. 171 00:05:58,336 --> 00:06:01,379 People who take their cats on planes should be shot. 172 00:06:03,113 --> 00:06:05,574 I'm at a really great musical right now. 173 00:06:06,206 --> 00:06:09,153 In 1992, I had sex with the Queen of Monaco. 174 00:06:09,154 --> 00:06:11,484 I had my entire fist up her ass. 175 00:06:12,047 --> 00:06:14,179 Don't let your social media slow down your need 176 00:06:14,180 --> 00:06:15,887 to communicate with the world. 177 00:06:16,012 --> 00:06:19,346 Go direct from thought to Internet with Shitter. 178 00:06:19,471 --> 00:06:21,084 Just finished my Shitter commercial. 179 00:06:21,085 --> 00:06:23,334 Time to do find a pussy sandwich. 180 00:06:26,979 --> 00:06:28,744 Alright. Wassup everybody wassup. 181 00:06:28,745 --> 00:06:31,065 I'm about ready to go to the NSA undercover 182 00:06:31,066 --> 00:06:33,148 and see if I can expose some of their secrets. 183 00:06:33,149 --> 00:06:34,658 You can follow me on my Shitter account 184 00:06:34,659 --> 00:06:37,190 at hashtag keepthegovernmentoutofmybusiness.com. 185 00:06:37,191 --> 00:06:38,134 Wait! Shh. 186 00:06:38,135 --> 00:06:39,040 I gotta be careful. 187 00:06:39,041 --> 00:06:41,358 Kyle is here and I'm pretty sure he's trying to listen in. 188 00:06:41,483 --> 00:06:42,730 What the hell are you doing? 189 00:06:42,731 --> 00:06:43,461 Kyle, if you wouldn't mind, 190 00:06:43,462 --> 00:06:45,358 this broadcast is for my Shitter followers only. 191 00:06:45,781 --> 00:06:46,684 What's Shitter? 192 00:06:46,685 --> 00:06:47,824 Don't know if you've heard, but the government is 193 00:06:47,825 --> 00:06:50,205 actually able to monitor all our emails and Twitter accounts. 194 00:06:50,273 --> 00:06:51,544 With Shitter, I don't even need a cel phone, 195 00:06:51,545 --> 00:06:53,116 my thoughts are sent directly to the Internet, 196 00:06:53,117 --> 00:06:54,818 and then to everyone else on Shitter. 197 00:06:54,847 --> 00:06:55,724 Wow! 198 00:06:55,804 --> 00:06:56,550 Yes. 199 00:06:56,551 --> 00:06:58,006 Now as I infiltrate the NSA 200 00:06:58,007 --> 00:07:00,983 I'll be able to broadcast everything to all my Shitter followers. 201 00:07:01,208 --> 00:07:04,156 You're okay with everything you think going up on the Internet. 202 00:07:04,157 --> 00:07:06,121 Yeah because the government won't respect my privacy! 203 00:07:06,122 --> 00:07:07,616 How many people are on Shitter? 204 00:07:07,617 --> 00:07:08,600 Just two so far. 205 00:07:08,601 --> 00:07:09,956 Me and Alec Baldwin. 206 00:07:09,993 --> 00:07:11,382 I'm about to sit down and eat a sandwich 207 00:07:11,383 --> 00:07:14,134 at this amazing deli run by two faggots in Chelsea. 208 00:07:14,135 --> 00:07:15,085 Oh kewl. 209 00:07:15,086 --> 00:07:17,051 I'll have to try it out sometime. Lol. 210 00:07:17,052 --> 00:07:19,352 In 1982 I was at a party at Mike Douglas'house 211 00:07:19,353 --> 00:07:20,960 and I Kim Basinger. 212 00:07:20,961 --> 00:07:21,637 Wow, that's cool. 213 00:07:21,638 --> 00:07:23,419 She's cute, wink emoji. 214 00:07:27,780 --> 00:07:28,566 Oh my God. 215 00:07:28,567 --> 00:07:29,801 Oh God they saw me. 216 00:07:29,926 --> 00:07:31,982 They saw me and they're gonna be so angry. 217 00:07:32,016 --> 00:07:33,313 Maybe they didn't see me! 218 00:07:33,314 --> 00:07:34,071 No, 219 00:07:34,072 --> 00:07:34,819 no they saw me, 220 00:07:34,820 --> 00:07:35,932 they see everything. 221 00:07:36,393 --> 00:07:37,998 I did something really bad. 222 00:07:37,999 --> 00:07:39,228 Really, really bad. 223 00:07:39,847 --> 00:07:40,633 Next! 224 00:07:40,634 --> 00:07:41,538 Oh God! 225 00:07:41,539 --> 00:07:42,680 But my parents always told me, 226 00:07:42,681 --> 00:07:43,786 "if you do something horrible 227 00:07:43,787 --> 00:07:45,909 then you have to admit it to your protector 228 00:07:45,910 --> 00:07:47,443 so that you can have forgiveness." 229 00:07:47,444 --> 00:07:48,726 Are these people nice? 230 00:07:48,952 --> 00:07:50,327 DMV people? 231 00:07:50,328 --> 00:07:52,972 There the meanest people on planet earth. 232 00:07:53,361 --> 00:07:54,354 Oh geez. 233 00:07:55,131 --> 00:07:56,033 Oh God! 234 00:07:56,158 --> 00:07:57,151 Here we go. 235 00:08:01,360 --> 00:08:02,668 I yelled at a midget. 236 00:08:05,016 --> 00:08:06,667 I was watching MTV, 237 00:08:06,668 --> 00:08:08,222 and this little person was singing a song, 238 00:08:08,223 --> 00:08:09,995 I think her name was pink 239 00:08:09,996 --> 00:08:11,175 and I didn't like the song 240 00:08:11,176 --> 00:08:15,117 and so I yelled 'hey get off TV you midget!' 241 00:08:16,525 --> 00:08:17,581 and I, uh, 242 00:08:17,706 --> 00:08:19,866 I was at Barnes and nobles with my mom. 243 00:08:19,867 --> 00:08:21,204 And while she was looking for a book, 244 00:08:21,205 --> 00:08:23,652 I saw this picture of Jennifer Lawrence in a magazine. 245 00:08:24,129 --> 00:08:25,890 Um, and I ... wul, 246 00:08:26,015 --> 00:08:28,699 I cut the picture out of the magazine while no one was looking. 247 00:08:29,160 --> 00:08:30,006 There's more. 248 00:08:30,310 --> 00:08:31,490 I took the picture home with me. 249 00:08:31,491 --> 00:08:34,323 And I ... I cut Jennifer Lawrence's mouth out with scissors. 250 00:08:34,324 --> 00:08:36,693 And then I ... I put my wiener through the hole. 251 00:08:37,074 --> 00:08:38,422 I have no idea why! 252 00:08:38,450 --> 00:08:39,669 How can I atone for it? 253 00:08:39,670 --> 00:08:41,746 I already said the pledge of allegiance 50 times! 254 00:08:41,747 --> 00:08:43,714 And I sang 'my country tis of thee' a hundred times, 255 00:08:43,715 --> 00:08:45,901 and I watched 'America's Got Talent' twice! 256 00:08:45,970 --> 00:08:47,161 What else can I do? 257 00:08:48,616 --> 00:08:51,653 Why not a thousand 'Living In Americas'. 258 00:08:52,538 --> 00:08:53,981 Yes! Yes I will! 259 00:08:53,982 --> 00:08:55,003 Oh thank you! 260 00:08:55,004 --> 00:08:56,060 I will! 261 00:08:56,185 --> 00:08:58,230 Oh I feel so much better already! 262 00:08:58,284 --> 00:09:00,125 Livin' in America 263 00:09:00,250 --> 00:09:01,236 eye to eye 264 00:09:01,237 --> 00:09:02,232 hand to hand 265 00:09:02,497 --> 00:09:05,680 across the nation smoke track fat back! 266 00:09:05,681 --> 00:09:07,461 Many miles of railroad track! 267 00:09:07,751 --> 00:09:08,590 Say ow ow! 268 00:09:16,202 --> 00:09:17,319 Can I help you sir? 269 00:09:17,320 --> 00:09:19,452 Yes, I'm here to apply for the NSA job. 270 00:09:19,481 --> 00:09:21,020 Alright. And your name? 271 00:09:21,087 --> 00:09:22,002 Bill Clinton. 272 00:09:23,756 --> 00:09:26,201 I don't see you on the list, Mr. Clinton. 273 00:09:26,202 --> 00:09:28,803 Oh. Well, must be a clerical mistake, but they are expecting me. 274 00:09:28,804 --> 00:09:30,018 If you're ever in Los Angeles 275 00:09:30,019 --> 00:09:31,190 be sure to look up Jennifer Love Hewitt. 276 00:09:31,191 --> 00:09:32,586 She can make a pussy sandwich 277 00:09:32,587 --> 00:09:34,995 that will give those faggots in Chelsea a run for their money. 278 00:09:35,519 --> 00:09:36,749 What have you got, Patricia? 279 00:09:36,817 --> 00:09:39,724 Uh, this man says he has an interview for a job, sir. 280 00:09:39,725 --> 00:09:41,965 I am extremely qualified sir and very eager to work. 281 00:09:41,966 --> 00:09:44,405 I borrowed my brothers dick once to Daryl Hannah. 282 00:09:44,406 --> 00:09:46,841 I, uh, was sure the appointment was today. 283 00:09:46,842 --> 00:09:47,720 That's quite alright. 284 00:09:47,787 --> 00:09:49,475 The NSA needs all the help it can get 285 00:09:49,539 --> 00:09:50,963 come on upstairs and I'll show you around 286 00:09:51,088 --> 00:09:52,104 see if you'll fit for the job. 287 00:09:58,681 --> 00:09:59,547 {pub}Hello, sir. 288 00:09:59,557 --> 00:10:01,378 My colleague and I are going sru the neighborhood 289 00:10:01,379 --> 00:10:03,039 and see if you like to know the truth. 290 00:10:03,463 --> 00:10:04,888 Sure I love the truth! 291 00:10:04,889 --> 00:10:06,644 Okay. We from the Jehovah's Witness 292 00:10:06,645 --> 00:10:08,965 we are kingdom hall of Jehovah's Witness and we believe, 293 00:10:08,966 --> 00:10:11,946 sir that maybe people the interpret the Bible wong. 294 00:10:12,071 --> 00:10:13,997 What's a Jehovah's Witness? 295 00:10:13,998 --> 00:10:16,089 Yes sir, we believe the ... the truth. 296 00:10:16,090 --> 00:10:18,038 I was once like you I not know what to believe 297 00:10:18,039 --> 00:10:20,510 but then I let my provider Jehovah into my heart. 298 00:10:20,635 --> 00:10:21,589 Oh my goodness. 299 00:10:21,590 --> 00:10:23,803 Your little cartoon has a girl on fire! 300 00:10:24,035 --> 00:10:26,913 Yes, because Jehovah will bring judgment and all will perish, 301 00:10:26,914 --> 00:10:28,669 like the little girl will burn in the fire. 302 00:10:28,628 --> 00:10:30,990 Oh you shouldn't be handing out drawings like this, ma'am. 303 00:10:30,991 --> 00:10:33,382 Don't you know that the government is watching you? 304 00:10:33,507 --> 00:10:34,893 The government watching me? 305 00:10:35,237 --> 00:10:35,906 Whazze? 306 00:10:35,907 --> 00:10:37,333 He said the government watching us. 307 00:10:38,148 --> 00:10:38,934 Right now? 308 00:10:38,935 --> 00:10:40,232 How long they been watching us? 309 00:10:40,233 --> 00:10:41,580 Can I ask you something? 310 00:10:41,688 --> 00:10:44,131 When was the last time you went to your local DMV? 311 00:10:44,132 --> 00:10:45,834 I no go DMV. I don't have car. 312 00:10:45,811 --> 00:10:47,272 Oh you can walk there. 313 00:10:47,397 --> 00:10:50,827 Trust me, you gotta go to the DMV, it's incredible. 314 00:10:50,874 --> 00:10:52,083 See, I was like you once, 315 00:10:52,084 --> 00:10:53,459 afraid, unsure, 316 00:10:53,460 --> 00:10:54,642 doin' stuff I shouldn't do 317 00:10:54,643 --> 00:10:56,012 like showing people pictures of little girls 318 00:10:56,013 --> 00:10:57,265 with their heads on fire. 319 00:10:57,390 --> 00:10:58,777 But you know what I've learned? 320 00:10:58,845 --> 00:11:00,255 That just going to the DMV 321 00:11:00,256 --> 00:11:01,965 and letting go of all my wrong doings 322 00:11:01,966 --> 00:11:04,677 filled me with a joy I had felt nowhere else. 323 00:11:04,678 --> 00:11:06,969 Would you like to read some DMV literature? 324 00:11:07,587 --> 00:11:09,946 This'll tell you most of what you need to know about the DMV. 325 00:11:09,947 --> 00:11:10,871 But just go, 326 00:11:10,872 --> 00:11:12,574 everyone there is really nice. 327 00:11:12,682 --> 00:11:13,980 Your government is watching you, 328 00:11:13,981 --> 00:11:15,709 and your government wants you to be happy. 329 00:11:15,710 --> 00:11:16,752 Have a nice day! 330 00:11:21,718 --> 00:11:22,947 Right this way, bill. 331 00:11:23,212 --> 00:11:25,491 Welcome to the NSA main office. 332 00:11:25,492 --> 00:11:26,207 Ah yes. 333 00:11:26,208 --> 00:11:28,533 So this is where the government checks up on its citizens. 334 00:11:28,534 --> 00:11:30,467 There's a lot of people working here at the NSA. 335 00:11:30,468 --> 00:11:31,077 Good people. 336 00:11:31,078 --> 00:11:32,675 People who just want to keep America safe. 337 00:11:32,676 --> 00:11:35,230 Only problem is checking all those emails, Twitter accounts 338 00:11:35,231 --> 00:11:36,568 and surveilling all those phone calls 339 00:11:36,569 --> 00:11:37,835 can take a lot of manpower. 340 00:11:37,836 --> 00:11:38,623 Hey Joe. 341 00:11:38,624 --> 00:11:39,566 What'chyou got Miller? 342 00:11:39,567 --> 00:11:41,511 Got a 24-yearold male in Albuquerque. 343 00:11:41,512 --> 00:11:42,453 He just emailed his wife 344 00:11:42,454 --> 00:11:44,165 and asked if she could go to the store after work. 345 00:11:44,233 --> 00:11:46,323 Then he called a fitness center to set up a membership. 346 00:11:46,324 --> 00:11:47,211 He liked the fitness center 347 00:11:47,212 --> 00:11:49,423 so he tweeted his friends that they should try it out. 348 00:11:50,342 --> 00:11:51,456 Alright, keep an eye on him. 349 00:11:51,457 --> 00:11:52,753 Let me know if anything changes. 350 00:11:52,754 --> 00:11:53,592 Will do. 351 00:11:53,858 --> 00:11:55,666 It's a never-ending grind here at the NSA, 352 00:11:55,667 --> 00:11:57,042 and it seems there's never enough detectives 353 00:11:57,043 --> 00:11:58,392 to keep track of everyone. 354 00:11:59,022 --> 00:12:00,705 Sergeant! What have you got, Lawson? 355 00:12:00,706 --> 00:12:02,915 Got a 17-year-old female down in Jacksonville. 356 00:12:02,916 --> 00:12:03,815 She called her friend and asked if 357 00:12:03,816 --> 00:12:05,664 she wanted to go see the Percy Jackson movie. 358 00:12:05,665 --> 00:12:07,984 Then she emailed her mom at work at asked if it was okay. 359 00:12:07,985 --> 00:12:08,860 The mom said yes, 360 00:12:08,861 --> 00:12:09,759 but called her husband first to make sure 361 00:12:09,760 --> 00:12:11,447 there weren't already dinner plans. 362 00:12:11,448 --> 00:12:13,109 Alright, keep an eye on all three of 'em. 363 00:12:13,110 --> 00:12:13,947 Will do. 364 00:12:14,968 --> 00:12:16,296 If you think you've got the stomach for it 365 00:12:16,297 --> 00:12:18,182 then we could definitely use your help, young man. 366 00:12:18,183 --> 00:12:19,677 Sir, you might wanna go check this out. 367 00:12:19,678 --> 00:12:20,373 What have you got? 368 00:12:20,374 --> 00:12:22,417 32-year-old pizza delivery man. 369 00:12:22,418 --> 00:12:23,705 He just put on his Twitter account 370 00:12:23,706 --> 00:12:26,254 that he hates America and wants to blow up the Lincoln memorial. 371 00:12:29,850 --> 00:12:31,186 16 pm, 372 00:12:31,187 --> 00:12:32,156 the chief asked me to join him 373 00:12:32,157 --> 00:12:34,123 as he went to question the possible suspect. 374 00:12:34,124 --> 00:12:35,422 I agreed to go along. 375 00:12:35,423 --> 00:12:38,537 Hopefully the NSA has no idea of my secret intentions. 376 00:12:39,982 --> 00:12:40,905 Lol 377 00:12:46,293 --> 00:12:47,628 well, well the NSA. 378 00:12:47,629 --> 00:12:48,634 I should have known. 379 00:12:48,601 --> 00:12:50,522 We want to talk to you about some tweets you've been tweeting. 380 00:12:50,523 --> 00:12:52,460 Hey man I was just blowing smoke. 381 00:12:52,488 --> 00:12:54,053 Say what right does the government have 382 00:12:54,054 --> 00:12:55,550 reading my private emails anyway? 383 00:12:55,551 --> 00:12:57,555 Haven't you squares ever heard of the constitution? 384 00:12:57,556 --> 00:12:58,579 Yeah we've heard of that. 385 00:12:58,580 --> 00:13:00,465 We've also heard of the declaration of independence. 386 00:13:00,466 --> 00:13:02,507 See, there's a lot of people out there who think like you. 387 00:13:02,508 --> 00:13:04,001 People who think their government doesn't have the right 388 00:13:04,002 --> 00:13:06,355 to go around poking their noses in the emails of its citizens 389 00:13:06,438 --> 00:13:08,465 that is until a plane flies into a couple towers 390 00:13:08,466 --> 00:13:09,749 and a little girl loses her life. 391 00:13:09,747 --> 00:13:11,945 You wanna live in the land of the free and home of the brave, 392 00:13:11,946 --> 00:13:13,836 but the brave can't be free if the land isn't home 393 00:13:13,837 --> 00:13:15,420 and that land won't be home so long as 394 00:13:15,423 --> 00:13:17,735 folks out there want to take that American flag and shove it 395 00:13:17,736 --> 00:13:19,751 so far up your anus that you crap stars and stripes 396 00:13:19,752 --> 00:13:21,684 for a week and as your sittin' there on the toilet with the star 397 00:13:21,685 --> 00:13:24,276 spangled montezuma's revenge there's one thing I can 398 00:13:24,277 --> 00:13:25,458 yeah, what's that? 399 00:13:25,459 --> 00:13:27,390 You won't care who's checking your Twitter account then. 400 00:13:28,189 --> 00:13:29,768 I never thought of it that way. 401 00:13:29,934 --> 00:13:32,964 I fucked Jack lemmon's makeup girl in a porta potty. 402 00:13:37,971 --> 00:13:38,815 Hello, Craig! 403 00:13:38,816 --> 00:13:40,646 How would you like to know the truth? 404 00:13:41,464 --> 00:13:42,537 The truth about what? 405 00:13:42,538 --> 00:13:43,814 We're just goin' through the neighborhood 406 00:13:43,815 --> 00:13:45,784 and seeing if you've accepted the government into your heart. 407 00:13:46,154 --> 00:13:48,036 Uh no, I don't think so. 408 00:13:48,037 --> 00:13:50,914 Yes sir my colleague and I ... we want to share our experience at DMV. 409 00:13:50,915 --> 00:13:52,204 We went to DMV and we admit to 410 00:13:52,205 --> 00:13:54,486 all our shortcoming and sins and a big tidal wave of a peace and 411 00:13:54,487 --> 00:13:56,628 sherinity went over our soul and touch our heart. 412 00:13:57,724 --> 00:13:58,630 Okay. 413 00:13:59,713 --> 00:14:02,101 You see Craig, once I came clean with the government, 414 00:14:02,102 --> 00:14:03,761 I no longer had anything to hide. 415 00:14:03,762 --> 00:14:07,675 Then I found peace. Have you read any DMV 416 00:14:07,676 --> 00:14:09,115 uhhh no. 417 00:14:09,116 --> 00:14:11,375 Wul there's a lot of interesting stuff in here Craig, 418 00:14:11,376 --> 00:14:13,760 there's even some quotes from President Obama. 419 00:14:14,250 --> 00:14:16,066 Could you read this part out loud? 420 00:14:16,542 --> 00:14:21,423 "Your local DMV is funded by your tax dollars to be efficient 421 00:14:21,424 --> 00:14:22,961 and ****. 422 00:14:23,086 --> 00:14:24,085 Yeah. 423 00:14:24,086 --> 00:14:26,879 What do you think President Obama means when he says that? 424 00:14:26,880 --> 00:14:28,492 I have no idea. 425 00:14:28,493 --> 00:14:29,750 Well, we believe that 426 00:14:29,751 --> 00:14:32,810 he means the government loves you. And it wants to forgive you 427 00:14:32,811 --> 00:14:35,259 if you just let the government into your heart. 428 00:14:35,260 --> 00:14:37,521 Yes sir, see I use to be like you I go around sending the 429 00:14:37,522 --> 00:14:39,701 nasty email send the nasty text put up the nasty pictures 430 00:14:39,702 --> 00:14:42,016 on my nassy Facebook. But then I realize all of these 431 00:14:42,017 --> 00:14:44,467 they live forever because government keep a file on us. 432 00:14:44,633 --> 00:14:47,422 So all that live forever up in what they call the cloud. 433 00:14:47,423 --> 00:14:49,927 If the government, sir, if they gonna put that file in the cloud 434 00:14:49,928 --> 00:14:51,735 then I wanna make sure I come clean about the bad ones maybe 435 00:14:51,736 --> 00:14:53,663 get those things off my record off the cloud. 436 00:14:53,664 --> 00:14:55,572 Because we live forever, in the cloud. 437 00:14:56,314 --> 00:14:58,631 Uh huh. Did you follow all that Craig? 438 00:14:58,632 --> 00:15:00,751 I don't really think I followed all that. 439 00:15:04,368 --> 00:15:06,788 I've done it. I've infiltrated the NSA 440 00:15:06,789 --> 00:15:07,907 and gained their trust. 441 00:15:08,748 --> 00:15:09,960 So far I have not ascertained 442 00:15:09,961 --> 00:15:11,997 how they are able to keep track of everyone in the country. 443 00:15:11,998 --> 00:15:15,487 But I'm close, very close. I just hope that I'm not found out 444 00:15:15,488 --> 00:15:18,662 as a whistleblower before I'm able to expose their entire 445 00:15:18,692 --> 00:15:20,250 what is that voice? 446 00:15:20,251 --> 00:15:22,340 Some little faggot in my head. 447 00:15:22,360 --> 00:15:24,372 Hey so um, as I'm going through people's emails and 448 00:15:24,373 --> 00:15:26,505 phone calls, um, how do I know which people to start with? 449 00:15:26,506 --> 00:15:28,393 Pretty simple. Everyone has a file. 450 00:15:28,394 --> 00:15:30,922 People who have a status of threat, possible threat or 451 00:15:30,923 --> 00:15:32,959 person of interest are the ones we really want to look at. 452 00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:35,893 The more we pay attention to them, the bigger their file 453 00:15:36,739 --> 00:15:38,452 really? 454 00:15:39,243 --> 00:15:42,654 Uh, that is-uh, you must have a pretty big file on Eric Cartman. 455 00:15:42,655 --> 00:15:44,932 All his blogs and emails have been watched for quite some time. 456 00:15:44,933 --> 00:15:47,473 Jarvis, what have we got on an Eric Cartman. 457 00:15:47,446 --> 00:15:49,099 Any files on Eric Cartman? 458 00:15:49,100 --> 00:15:51,020 Oh yeah, we tracked him for a little bit 459 00:15:51,021 --> 00:15:55,246 but central computer designated his status and fat 460 00:15:56,192 --> 00:15:58,623 uh trust me, he's not fat and unimportant. 461 00:15:58,624 --> 00:16:01,329 I think we need to change his status to ripped and sweet. 462 00:16:02,316 --> 00:16:03,154 Excuse me. 463 00:16:03,155 --> 00:16:05,612 Excuse me, there is a very important threat to national security. 464 00:16:05,613 --> 00:16:07,759 We need to change Eric Cartman's 465 00:16:08,150 --> 00:16:11,863 and that's when I masturbated to game of thrones. 466 00:16:11,864 --> 00:16:13,852 I know it was wrong to masturbate 467 00:16:13,853 --> 00:16:17,193 and I know it was especially wrong to masturbate 468 00:16:17,194 --> 00:16:17,953 what the ... 469 00:16:17,954 --> 00:16:19,470 why do these people keep coming here? 470 00:16:19,471 --> 00:16:22,457 But I am done forever with game of thrones. 471 00:16:22,458 --> 00:16:23,501 Next please! 472 00:16:23,626 --> 00:16:24,317 Thank you! 473 00:16:25,325 --> 00:16:26,957 Yay!!!! 474 00:16:26,958 --> 00:16:29,337 Congratulations, brother! How do you feel? 475 00:16:29,338 --> 00:16:31,616 I feel really good. 476 00:16:33,490 --> 00:16:36,873 Wow! Those people over there seem like they're having fun. 477 00:16:36,903 --> 00:16:39,897 I can't think of anywhere I'd rather be, then at the DMV with 478 00:16:39,898 --> 00:16:42,369 all you wonderful people! Now let's all pledge allegiance! 479 00:16:42,494 --> 00:16:43,864 I pledge allegiance 480 00:16:43,865 --> 00:16:44,985 to the flag! Of the united 481 00:16:44,986 --> 00:16:47,959 what the hell is going on here? This is the DMV! 482 00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:49,755 There'll be no joy here!S 483 00:16:49,756 --> 00:16:52,960 uh, people keep showing up and telling us what they did wrong. 484 00:16:52,961 --> 00:16:54,510 Hey I'm just trying to renew my license. 485 00:16:54,511 --> 00:16:55,598 How much longer I gotta wait? 486 00:16:55,723 --> 00:16:56,863 Shut up! 487 00:16:56,864 --> 00:16:59,272 Sit there and wait and no cel phones or other things 488 00:16:59,273 --> 00:17:00,520 that pass time joyously! 489 00:17:00,645 --> 00:17:02,772 I'm gonna put a stop to this. 490 00:17:02,913 --> 00:17:05,935 {pub}Look, I am telling you that you are making a huge mistake. 491 00:17:05,936 --> 00:17:08,440 Eric Cartman is the NSA's worst nightmare. 492 00:17:08,441 --> 00:17:10,035 Not according to the central computer. 493 00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:11,230 The central computer is wrong. 494 00:17:11,355 --> 00:17:12,675 You need to change it. 495 00:17:12,800 --> 00:17:14,643 Sorry, but if central computer says 496 00:17:14,644 --> 00:17:16,703 he's not a threat then we can't do anything. 497 00:17:17,255 --> 00:17:19,075 Can't do anything? You're the NSA. 498 00:17:19,076 --> 00:17:21,008 There's 300 million people out there. 499 00:17:21,009 --> 00:17:22,941 How do you think we're able to keep track of every single 500 00:17:22,942 --> 00:17:24,079 person in this country? 501 00:17:24,080 --> 00:17:26,582 How do you think we're able to really know who is doing what? 502 00:17:26,707 --> 00:17:27,780 I don't know. 503 00:17:27,781 --> 00:17:31,291 Alright, I'll show you. But this is very top security stuff. 504 00:17:31,292 --> 00:17:34,149 Because if people knew how we did it, then everyone would do it. 505 00:17:34,150 --> 00:17:35,297 Then our enemies would do it. 506 00:17:35,298 --> 00:17:37,713 We can't let our enemies get their hands on this. 507 00:17:37,714 --> 00:17:39,226 Get their hands on what? 508 00:17:46,554 --> 00:17:48,985 This is how we know who's a threat and who's not. 509 00:17:49,110 --> 00:17:51,821 How we know who is sleeping, and who's awake. 510 00:17:51,841 --> 00:17:53,244 How we know ... 511 00:17:57,072 --> 00:17:59,102 you think I'm fat and unimportant now? 512 00:17:59,103 --> 00:18:02,278 I am Eric Cartman! And I've got news for you. 513 00:18:02,279 --> 00:18:04,701 This is all being broadcast live on my Twitter zeppelin 514 00:18:04,702 --> 00:18:07,377 and on Alec Baldwin's new television show via Shitter! 515 00:18:07,378 --> 00:18:10,677 Hi everybody and welcome to my new show on MSNBC, 516 00:18:10,678 --> 00:18:13,238 "Free Pass With Alec Baldwin" 517 00:18:13,239 --> 00:18:14,667 your secret is out NSA! 518 00:18:14,668 --> 00:18:16,144 And now that everyone knows what you're doing to Santa you can 519 00:18:16,269 --> 00:18:17,597 you can kiss your problem goodbye. 520 00:18:18,494 --> 00:18:20,533 You should have taken me down when you had the chance. 521 00:18:20,534 --> 00:18:22,200 Now everyone knows the truth. 522 00:18:22,201 --> 00:18:24,645 And everyone's gonna think I'm super cool. 523 00:18:29,853 --> 00:18:32,442 Eric, honey, what's the matter? 524 00:18:32,839 --> 00:18:34,387 It didn't work, mom. 525 00:18:34,388 --> 00:18:37,705 I infiltrated the NSA and I was a whistleblower and I thought 526 00:18:37,706 --> 00:18:40,362 everyone would be super pissed off at what I exposed about the 527 00:18:40,363 --> 00:18:43,695 government, but nobody cares! Nobody cares that the government 528 00:18:43,696 --> 00:18:46,505 is listening in on everything. Nobody cares that Santa Claus 529 00:18:46,506 --> 00:18:48,336 hooked up to a big horrible machine! 530 00:18:48,502 --> 00:18:51,267 I know that the NSA is torturing Santa, sweetie, 531 00:18:51,268 --> 00:18:52,970 but they're keeping us safe. 532 00:18:52,971 --> 00:18:56,063 No, now you just sound like everybody else! 533 00:18:56,318 --> 00:18:58,176 Honey, it's okay. 534 00:18:58,177 --> 00:18:59,323 It's not going to be okay 535 00:18:59,324 --> 00:19:01,075 because now I'm a whistleblower against my country 536 00:19:01,076 --> 00:19:03,428 and I'm gonna have to hide out in Russsiaaaaaa. 537 00:19:03,429 --> 00:19:05,744 No, you don't have to fly to Russia hon. 538 00:19:08,369 --> 00:19:10,279 No, it'll be fine. 539 00:19:10,280 --> 00:19:13,677 How about I make you some hot tea with lemon and codeine? 540 00:19:14,197 --> 00:19:15,909 Okay. 541 00:19:18,163 --> 00:19:20,398 I just want hot tea and codeine, mom. 542 00:19:20,763 --> 00:19:22,203 Okay hon! 543 00:19:27,641 --> 00:19:30,545 Hello. How would you like to know the truth? 544 00:19:32,034 --> 00:19:33,705 The fuck are you talking about Butters? 545 00:19:33,706 --> 00:19:36,018 It's time to let go, Eric. 546 00:19:36,807 --> 00:19:38,859 Don't you see there's no other way? 547 00:19:38,860 --> 00:19:41,092 Just let the government into your heart. 548 00:19:41,683 --> 00:19:43,134 It's too late for me, Butters. 549 00:19:43,135 --> 00:19:45,720 I have to go to Russia and live with the commie dwarves. 550 00:19:46,122 --> 00:19:49,952 It's never too late. There's a place where you can 551 00:19:50,180 --> 00:19:51,035 what's this? 552 00:19:51,036 --> 00:19:53,853 Your government doesn't listen in on you to punish you. 553 00:19:53,897 --> 00:19:57,331 Your government just wants you to be honest about your mistakes. 554 00:19:57,607 --> 00:19:58,758 I can be forgiven? 555 00:19:58,759 --> 00:20:01,144 For everything bad I've ever 556 00:20:01,145 --> 00:20:02,001 yes. 557 00:20:02,002 --> 00:20:03,958 And then all I have to do is go back to this place every time 558 00:20:03,959 --> 00:20:06,190 I do something wrong and admit it and I'm forgiven again? 559 00:20:06,280 --> 00:20:07,626 That's right. 560 00:20:09,065 --> 00:20:10,434 That's pretty cool. 561 00:20:14,549 --> 00:20:16,331 We've got a new member today! 562 00:20:17,466 --> 00:20:19,381 Eric Cartman, do you love your country? 563 00:20:19,382 --> 00:20:20,769 I do! 564 00:20:20,770 --> 00:20:22,832 Do you pledge allegiance to the fly? 565 00:20:22,833 --> 00:20:23,615 I pledge it! 566 00:20:23,616 --> 00:20:25,027 I fucking pledge that allegiance! 567 00:20:25,028 --> 00:20:26,225 Hallelujah! 568 00:20:28,845 --> 00:20:30,724 You want us to kick them out of here? 569 00:20:30,725 --> 00:20:31,791 No. 570 00:20:31,792 --> 00:20:34,729 No leave them alone. It's a nice change to see people 571 00:20:34,730 --> 00:20:38,394 happy to be at the DMV. Perhaps we here at the DMV can 572 00:20:38,395 --> 00:20:41,066 start changing as well. Perhaps instead of treating 573 00:20:41,067 --> 00:20:43,936 people badly, we can offer them comfort and hope. 574 00:20:44,061 --> 00:20:47,406 Why, the DMV can be a place where people come to get things 575 00:20:47,407 --> 00:20:50,815 off their chest, confess, yes, but also be told that they're 576 00:20:50,816 --> 00:20:54,200 worth something in this world. And then DMV's everywhere can 577 00:20:54,201 --> 00:20:56,385 become a place where people feel safe. 578 00:20:56,386 --> 00:20:59,552 And when they do something wrong, we can offer forgiveness. 579 00:20:59,553 --> 00:21:01,688 Don't you see what this could lead to? 580 00:21:01,813 --> 00:21:04,280 Don't you see what we could become? 581 00:21:05,088 --> 00:21:08,989 The DMV was shut down today after rampant allegations of sex 582 00:21:08,990 --> 00:21:11,338 with young boys. The heads of the DMV were 583 00:21:11,339 --> 00:21:15,164 directed and the director said hey, it came with the territory. 584 00:21:15,165 --> 00:21:17,643 With the dvm shut down, all Americans are being asked to 585 00:21:17,644 --> 00:21:21,269 confess wrong doings at the post office. 586 00:21:22,878 --> 00:21:26,062 We've just received word that the U.S. postal service has been 587 00:21:26,063 --> 00:21:30,199 shut down due to rampant allegations of sex with young boys. 588 00:21:30,200 --> 00:21:31,496 It now appears that the only 589 00:21:31,497 --> 00:21:34,165 people who can be trusted with confessions and guidance 590 00:21:34,166 --> 00:21:36,184 is your local news station. 591 00:21:36,221 --> 00:21:39,674 WMZ News will be back in a young boy.